‘Look at that wonderful cake,’ she said. ‘Nice,’ he said. ‘Right in the middle of that excellent cake shop.’ ‘I realise that.’ ‘It’s gorgeous… three layers, lovely, and it looks rather retro.’ ‘It’s big.’ ‘It’s just that… well, I was thinking, you know…’ as her voice trailed off. He said nothing.
‘Are we moving to the next shop?’ he asked. ‘Oh no, not quite yet,’ as she lingered. ‘We could have an anniversary treat… it’s just a little bit early.’
‘Yep, that’s what we should do.’ She opened the cake shop door. He followed her. ‘It’s flower power, isn’t it.’
~~~~~~~
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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers Genre: Hysterical Non-Fiction Word Count: 100
‘It’s stopping, look, that train,’ grinned Scatty, ‘we should get on it, shouldn’t we,’ as they looked to each other, ‘see, those gendarmes are past the last shed now, let’s go, and why not, there are no problems are there?’
Both Mr Cushing and The Old One looked rather apprehensive: ‘it’s my limousine,’ said Mr Cushing, ‘I’m not leaving the old girl by that farm,’ – ‘no siree,’ said The Old One, ‘I always ride shotgun with you now, so we will have to chance it then,’ – and a moment later, they both shot off.
‘Train time,’ smiled Joan, ‘how handy there was a tiny station just here,’ – ‘more than handy,’ said Francis, ‘I am kind of thinking this could be a ghost train,’ but he muttered very quietly and no-one else heard what he said.
However, everything seemed normal as all four of them got into that busy train.
The train was moving quickly now as the red-headed woman walked through the carriages, she brushed a wisp of hair away from her face, as she glanced at a rather pretty baby who was sitting by her dad playing pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake; and in the next but last carriage, this was what she was after: ‘ooh, at last, a brew… hot coffee!’
Meanwhile, the two gargoyles had been checking out those diamonds, since of course they had got them; they had been using their smartphones since they had an inkling about something clever Reena had said quite recently: ‘ah, there it is…’
All six of them, Francis, Joan, Scatty, the red-headed woman, The Old One and Mr Cushing, burst out from the far end of the shed; all of them glanced back at Inspector Clouseau who was still tied up and tightly, before they all turned forward to this important mission.
‘Come on,’ said Joan, ‘we can walk and talk, and maybe we should walk rather quickly,’ – ‘also,’ said Scatty, ‘we should forget all about that pretty kettle of fish,’ – ‘absolutely,’ muttered the red-headed woman, ‘it’s not relevant anyway,’ – while Mr Cushing nodded his head feeling vindicated.
‘Are we all feeling better now?’ asked The Old One, – ‘I believe so,’ grinned Mr Cushing, ‘are we united… we are, aren’t we,’ – ‘we’re a unit, yes, that’s right,’ beamed Francis, ‘we’re great again.’
‘But where are the two gargoyles,’ asked the red-headed woman, ‘are they missing… it seems unlikely though?’ as she looked around everyone.
‘Well, they are hardly upstarts, are they,’ said Joan, ‘those two gargoyles are very old indeed,’ – ‘yes, very true,’ grinned Scatty, ‘we are all ancient,’ – ‘oh, but not her, the red-headed woman,’ said The Old One, as he smiled back to her, ‘she’s in her prime, isn’t she,’ – as the red-headed woman, blushed a bit.
But now they all started to run, since it was clear that the gendarmes had arrived; then they heard a train very close to them, and as they looked up, they could see the two gargoyles sitting on the top of that train.
Scatty had changed herself just now, since she’s a shape-shifter; she grinned as far as she could – her beautiful fur glistened as she cornered Clouseau, forcing him to sit down, he had already lost his gun and his truncheon during the altercation, and he was bemused – ‘where’s that suave Pink Panther, not this very dangerous big cat, a black panther?’
Inspector Clouseau mumbled something, but no-one could understand anything he said, while the red-headed woman grabbed some handy rope which she’d seen, she tied his hands behind him, and pretty tightly too.
‘I don’t want to be negative about this,’ said the red-headed woman, as she finished her handiwork, ‘but we have to move quickly now; I’m sure I can hear many sirens in the background, and they are getting louder every minute.’
‘This is becoming a nasty business,’ piped up Joan, and rather crossly, and not usually for her either – ‘sorry, what’s wrong with me?’ as she shook her head, ‘we’re becoming grumpy and quarrelsome, aren’t we?’
‘Well, we need to shift on,’ said Scatty as she became her usual self, still smiling since she did like being a beautiful black panther, ‘but nevertheless, I believe we have oneonly choice, we need to get to that gate on the other side – I think we need to run!’
Francis then said: ‘this is really important – this is our oath, this solemn vow – for all of us,’ as he looked at everyone around… ‘so where are those diamonds now?’
It seemed that everyone had now decided that those wonderful gems were real, as Mr Cushing began to hum the theme song, ‘Diamonds Are Forever’, while The Old One was grinning as he said, ‘I was an extra in that one, I was just behind Sammy Davis Jr. who was a casino player,’ – ‘how extraordinary,’ said Mr Cushing as he stopped humming and his eyebrows shot up for a moment.
‘Shirley Bassey,’ yelled the red-headed woman, ‘I saw her on King Street, Manchester (that was a long time ago), she’s small… just like me,’ as she smiled with glee.’ *
The two gargoyles waddled to the far end of the shed to make sure that the great big doors would open; ‘we can do it, and we won’t need to force it, we are sure.’ So they heaved and hoed, and it opened just enough, and they both grinned since they could see a useful gate quite near: ‘all we need now are those pretty diamonds,’ as they waddled back.
‘Not so fast,’ said Inspector Clouseau, as he entered the shed, ‘Em off my pheune and I’m just waiting for back up,’ as he waved his gun and held up his truncheon.
Now things became complicated since several actions occurred at the same time: someone ran to turn off the main switch; various people grabbed something, hoping it were some diamonds on that particular shelf; and the last piece of the jigsaw, when it was light again, a black panther appeared.
A moment later, Inspector Clouseau said, ‘em stepping out with my pheune,’ (meaning a phone, they gathered), he popped back to say, ‘don’t move.’
The red-headed woman stared after Clouseau, as he left the shed and closed it firmly; she then stared at all her friends, she wondered what might happen, and she wondered who would speak first, while she began to fidget a bit.
It was Francis who spoke: ‘Today is going to be a milestone,’ he said gravely, as he looked around and nobody else spoke, as that last shed seemed to echo around that particular shelf, ‘we will need a strategy, a plan and a plot no doubt, we will need to set out some rules, as well.’
‘Hold on,’ said Joan, ‘how do we know all those diamonds are real, kosher, genuine… you know what I’m saying,’ – ‘real I’m sure,’ grinned Scatty, ‘although, legitimate is a completely different kettle of fish,’ – then The Old One said, ‘sorry, why are we talking about fish again?’ – and then Mr Cushing said, ‘yes, why are we talking about fish, surely we were talking about escargots?’
Meanwhile, one of the gargoyles muttered, ‘they’ve lost the plot,’ as the two of them edged closer to that particular shelf, they looked at each other and grinned, then they looked back at those bright and beautiful diamonds.
The two of them glanced to the far end of the shed, and then they looked at the main electrical fuse just beyond, they both winked.
The red-headed woman mused while she tramped across the field on that farm, listening to everyone’s accents, she hadn’t really thought about that before, since all her friends sound pretty normal – mostly French, Paris in fact, although Scatty was originally from Ireland, and of course, she herself was from Liverpool, and there wasn’t much difference between the two of them the way they could speak together if they wanted to.
However, Inspector Clouseau was a completely different kettle of fish (as one might say), since he spoke very oddly indeed, was he really a Frenchman? she wondered, as she peered at him once again, as he marched along with his over-sized magnifying glass.
It was a long way to walk still, and the red-head woman continued to muse to herself; she thought all the things she had done in the past – breaking in, and breaking out, on various schemes, like that big safe, for example, and she and the two gargoyles had kind of helped – even thinking the three of them should have plotted a heist of their own.
She stopped… dead… as she pondered to herself, was she heartless? was she uncaring? even ruthless..?
‘Come on,’ grinned Scatty, ‘do you need a hand?’ as the two of them linked arms.
Just a few metres and all of them were there, as they crowded in that last shed -and yes, it was amazing… diamonds galore on that one shelf, as Inspector Clouseau said: ‘I am an Office of the Leu.’
‘So here he is,’ grinned the red-headed woman, as all of them got out of that wonderful limo; she walked up to him, offering a firm handshake: ‘such a pleasure to meet-and-greet you, the amazing Inspector Clouseau,’ as she smiled radiantly.
The Inspector Clouseau was wearing his usual trenchcoat, it was very cold and he had been stomping around for a bit, but it was clear that he had been thinking thoughts though; although it seemed he wasn’t going to share much at the moment.
The farmer appeared, he was wearing his work jacket blues, with his beret up top and his wellington boots, as he mumbled to himself, ‘such a shame, such a devastating calamity, even though I’m often shunned, since not many people like to look after snails, but what a waste… and money, so much money.’
‘We mustn’t give up yet,’ said Francis, ‘since those jewels must be somewhere, and you, Monsieur Farmer, you shouldn’t succumb with despair yet; I’m sure these things are connected, don’t we think?’ – all of them agreed, as they began to walk around the place, especially all those sheds.
‘See that channel,’ said one of the gargoyles, ‘no, not that way, look the other way, over there,’ – ‘oh, I see, I can see a dip,’ – ‘okay, lets go have a little look,’ – so both of them set out across the last shed, while bickering a bit, as usual.
‘Hey, everyone come here, look what we have found, you’ll be stunned at this!’
They had been singing for ages and loudly too, the songs, the lyrics and the melodies were all off key, but none of them cared, since this was a great outing; they hadn’t been all together for such a long time, more than half a year, but time is a strange idea if some of this lot are immortal.
Mr Cushing was driving, as always, in his purring limousine, and The Old One sat next to him; they had both been living in the south of France – very clement and useful too, since they both love going to the Cannes Festival and hang out with the hoi polloi (not).
Francis was sitting in the middle row, he had been reading the newspapers avidly, almost desperately to find anymore news about those jewels which had been stolen from the Louvre; it was only he who wouldn’t sing, while his wife, Joan, and her best friend Scatty, were clapping their hands on the other side and singing their hearts out.
The two gargoyles sat in the back and looked out in the rear of the car, eager to see a particular police car, since Inspector Clouseau could be just behind them.
The red-headed woman had been moving around in that gorgeous long car, talking to all her lovely friends; she was very keen to see what would occur, and she shouted: ‘we must be almost there at that farm.’
And a moment later she grinned: ‘it’s that it… all those big sheds.’
The red-headed woman had been feeling rather pensive as she continued to listen to the two friendly gargoyles, while she rummaged in her big bag.
‘As you know we had enlisted several clever animals for a while, although sadly they have moved on to another case, we believe,’ – ‘not surprising though, since they are jet-setting animals who solve crimes all around the world,’ as the two of them grinned to each other.
‘You know there are still protests around the Louvre,’ said one of the gargoyles, ‘since so many very exquisite jewels had been stolen, and they are still mostly missing, so it’s vital that we stay in touch with Inspector Clouseau, you must know him surely,’ as the two of them looked at her; she affirmed.
‘So what are we going to do now?’ asked the red-headed woman, as she opened her notebook and clicked her retractable pen; while the two gargoyles looked at their phones, and a moment later they both said: ‘ooh, breaking news… look.’
One of the phones pinged, it was Inspector Clouseau who said: ‘it’s a decoy, I’m sure – never mind about those escargots, but those fabulous jewels, they will be hidden in some very strange place – they will reappear, mark my words.’
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