When 23 year old Lucy is given a beautiful ruby necklace by Pierre, a gorgeous man she’s only just met in a Liverpool nightclub, her humdrum life is changed forever. But the ruby is more than just an expensive jewel, and Albie Chan, the sinister Triad boss, is determined to have it for himself, forcing Pierre and Lucy to flee the city.
Meanwhile, Lucy’s best friend and flat mate, Gina, has been tracking down the father whom she never knew. Now Godrell Clark, once a sailor from Jamaica who was part of the Liverpool jazz scene in the sixties, finds his past is catching up with him fast, all the way to Kingston, Jamaica.
But there is an even greater prize than the ruby, and passions run high when a mysterious little jade statue turns up in a pile of boxes belonging to the upstairs tenants in Lucy and Gina’s rented house.
Lucy is snatched by Chan and Pierre faces an impossible choice: obtain the statue for Chan and gain Lucy’s freedom, or hand it over his one-time guardian and employer, the mysterious Aurora, to whom he owes his freedom from his brutal childhood.
So, you know what this is? It’s my long-sweated over first attempt at a blurb for my recently-completed novel. I’m not entirely happy with it, but I’ve stared at it long enough!
Some of you may have read the story (or bits of it) as a work in progress last year, so you’ll have an idea of the story. Others won’t, and you’re coming to it cold.
Would you buy on the strength of the pitch?
Would you at least ‘download it for a dollar’?
Writerly friends, please would you care to give me some feedback? Constructive criticism really is most welcome.
luna's on line 
I would support a fellow blogger with a dollar download for sure! My opinion is that the roommate paragraph muddies the focus of an otherwise super interesting blurb.
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Okay, yes, I get that, There are several strands to the story, but I don’t need to show them all. Thanks for the feedback, Paula, I appreciate it.
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I think it sounds great. Having only read bits of the work in progress, I hadn’t gotten the picture of the whole plot. I’m curious about Aurora; does she try to make Pierre feel obligated to her or is that something he feels on his own? Maybe add a teeny bit of clarification on that one point in the blurb? From what you have here, I would download it for a dollar! It sounds like an intriguing story.
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Thanks Debra, yes I think you’re right. I’d actually scribbled a note against that paragraph when I read it again this morning. The dollar offer will be there!
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Yay!
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Yes, Chris. The story was great with many twist.
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Thanks for that… and thanks for reading!
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You welcome Chris. You are good at what you are doing and I admire you for that. Go for it, sometimes we need to follow our heart.
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You know that I am brutally honest AND support your writing venture! My first reaction:
Book in paragraph 1 – YES
Book in paragraph 2 – Maybe
Book in paragraph 3 – Sigh, it’s another “but wait for it” entry that evokes the climax in the movie Scream
Book in paragraph 4 – Oh, so it’s a “who am I most loyal to” story. Depends on the cover and first few pages.
It’s a great start but the 2nd paragraph feels like it’s a premise to its own book. I am no expert AT ALL but I would suggest starting off with a single sentence hook, then tell me about Lucy and Gina together, then what each of them are seeking within their setting. In the next paragraph tell me who or what might stop them from getting what they seek. Close with a one sentence risk-gain sentence to drive the reader to open the book.
Paragraphs 1 & 2 need to be integrated to paint a single drive.
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Thanks Teresa, that is really helpful. I can work with this (I hope) 🙂
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I would definitely read it and willingly pay a dollar for it! I am indeed curious as to how it plays
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