From sky-blue silk

Prasanth Dasari on Unsplash
Photo by Prasanth Dasari on Unsplash

From my Flash Fiction collection

We’d heard rumours of strange reptilian creatures stalking the lands beyond our borders. We’d not paid much attention. Similarly, we’d dismissed the reports which were sent back from the Palace Guard’s intelligence team who patrolled the perimeter of our kingdom. Men, far away from home are prone to flights of fancy and over-exaggeration. However, when the creatures did appear they were quite beyond imagination.

One spring morning they came, floating down from the fluffy white clouds under little canopies of sky-blue silk. We watched from our roof tops and our high city walls as they landed, then marched upon us, fanning out around the entire circumference of the city. We’d closed the heavy outer gates, pulled up the drawbridge and manned the battlements. But it was not enough. They were too large, too strong, too determined. And there were so many of them.

Our archers fired on them, but the arrows bounced off their patterned breast plates and scaly bodies. Within the hour they had peeled back our gates and smashed down our ramparts with their huge taloned paws. Our swords and spears were no match for them either. Once they had entered the city, they unslung their weapons and fired beams of sound and light which turned men to dust.

People scattered before them. Those who were too old or too slow were scooped up in their great scaly arms and flung aside with a force that snapped necks and broke bones. One of the creatures pulled a bleating goat from its tether and bit the poor animal’s head off. Then it split the body in two and tossed each half to its comrades who marched on either side.

What was left of the Palace Guard formed a ring around the entrance to the Sanctum where our queen and her council were gathered. The creatures filled the main square; row upon row of them. They stood in their ranks, facing our guards. Silence fell, punctuated only by the groans of the injured and the laments of the bereaved.

Then one of the creatures stepped forward; the symbols on its breastplate finer and more intricate than the rest. It advanced up the steps to face the Commander of the Palace Guard. Bringing a huge, scaly paw down on the Commander’s left shoulder it leant forward, forked tongue flickering.

At that moment, there was a strange roaring noise and suddenly, out of thin air a mysterious object appeared. A huge, great storage vessel, rather like the ones we use to store oil or wine, but much larger and made of a dull, grey metal. A door in the side of the object slid open and a tall, willowy figure dressed in a flowing silver gown appeared. The creatures in the square turned towards her, low whistling sounds emanating from their nostrils. They cowed their heads. She raised a shiny black staff and pointed it at their leader. She spoke and although her words were incomprehensible to us, we knew they were full of power. The lizard leader muttered something. She said a single, potent word and it vanished in a puff of smoke. Then she turned her shiny black staff on the massed ranks of creatures. Pop, pop, pop. They all disappeared. Then without a word, she returned to the vessel and the door closed behind her. The roaring noise sounded and the vessel was gone.

The old man finished his story and stared into the distance. Someone asked him a question.

“True? You ask me if my story’s true? Evidence?” He paused. “Well, if you look carefully there are some scorch marks near the entrance to the Sanctum.” The old man held up his finger. “And, I believe, fine sky-blue silk underwear is still worn here by women of a certain age.”

My Writing Year

editing you'll never walk alone by chris hall lunasonline
My writing space – yes, it’s messy.

2018 has been the year when:

  1. I managed to complete a pretty decent draft of my second novel, now at the MS stage. I’m just taking a little break from editing it now to write this.
  2. I (informally) took part in NaNoWriMo and almost completed a rough draft of a middle grade children’s book.
  3. I had some modest success in getting my first novel, ‘The Silver Locket’, out there. I had a look at the KDP stats and I sold a few dozen – enough to buy a couple of cups of coffee with cake!
    What I hadn’t realised was that 91 of you lovely folk read it on Kindle Unlimited. I hope you enjoyed!
    Note to self: I need to work on that marketing stuff next year.
  4. And finally, and unexpectedly, I accidentally became a blogger. This has been awesome. Writing can be lonely; being a homeworker also can be lonely. But you’re never alone when you have mates out there in inter-web-land. Thank you all!

And look at all these words I’ve so happily churned out:

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Thanks for reading, and thanks for liking and commenting.

Here’s to a wonderful 2019. Happy New Year!

 

 

The Day the Soldiers Came

the day the soldiers came by chris hall lunasonline

I smile as I watch my mother play with my little brother Tommy on the hearth-rug. My father sits in his chair, still but alert. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye I detect a movement in the yard.  I turn to look. Soldiers, four of them! By the way they are dressed, I know them instantly as ‘the enemy’. My father has followed my gaze as I gasp in fright and immediately he’s on his feet, sweeping up Tommy in the same movement and shoving him in my direction.

‘You know what to do Annie,’ he says quietly. He nods urgently at me and I grab Tommy’s hand and propel him through the kitchen. I look through the window, checking our route to the barn. It’s clear, so I open the door and we slide through and dash into the slatted wooden building. Behind us, I hear the soldiers hammering on the front door, shouting.

Although Tommy’s only little he knows what to do. Just as we’ve practiced so many times in recent months, I help him up the ladder to the hayloft. He doesn’t make a sound as we creep across the creaky boards and hide ourselves in the straw behind the loosely baled hay. We lie there, waiting. We haven’t practised what happens next. Then I hear a scream; I know it’s my mother, although the sound is like none I’ve ever heard her make. Her pain and terror flood my head. I grip Tommy tightly; he’s trembling and sobbing silently. The minutes tick by; I wonder what’s happening in the house. My father is shouting, but I can’t make out what he’s saying. The shouting stops abruptly and I hear the back door slam against the outside wall of the kitchen.

Heavy boots march towards the barn; I bite down hard on my knuckles. A cold fist contorts my stomach as I suddenly realise I forgot to drag the ladder up behind us. I hear the soldier’s heavy breathing down below. He’s pulling things over, searching. He approaches the ladder and in my mind’s eye I see him grab the ladder and place his boot on the first rung. Sweat runs down my back. Tommy is rigid in my arms.

There is a loud call from the house: ‘Move on!’ I hear the sound of the ladder clattering to the floor.  It settles and there is no sound apart from the blood pumping in my ears. Slowly I get up, my legs are shaking. I grab the rail at the edge of the loft and feel for the rope which we use as a swing when it’s too wet to play outside. Telling Tommy to stay where his is, I let myself down and run quickly towards the back door which is gaping off its hinges.

Inside the house furniture has been overturned and one curtain has been ripped from the window. My mother cowers in a corner. Her blouse is torn and there is blood on her skirt. Father’s face is bruised and bloody. He reaches for her, but she turns her face to the wall.

A Sextet of Shorts Cover pic

That was the first piece from ‘A Sextet of Shorts’, my little book of short fiction pieces.

‘Sextet’ is currently available to download on your Kindle for $0.99 / €0.99 / £0.99 and other currency equivalents  (+VAT) until midnight on 01.01.19.

And, since it’s the holidays, if you’d like a freebie, I will arrange to gift a download to the first 10 people who respond in the comments section below!

Are email notifications from WordPress jamming up your inbox?

This is really helpful if you don’t know all the ins and outs of managing your notifications!

Sadje's avatarKeep it alive

When I started by blog, I didn’t know much about how to manage the notifications in my app and my computer/ laptop.

As I got into the groove, my readership grew and each and every time anyone commented, liked or followed my blog, I would get an email. So in addition to writing, reading and commenting a new task was added. That of deleting hundreds of emails from my inbox. This not only consumed a lot of time but caused a lot of irritation to me.

Every time I received an email with a notification, I was asked if I was getting too many emails and if I wanted to reduce the number of emails. I would try to uncheck the different boxes in the hopes of reducing the influx of these emails, but no substantial improvement happened.

Then one day I hit the jackpot! I found out how I…

View original post 201 more words

The Mystery Blogger Award

Mystery-Blogger-Award-Cover

A big thank you to Tanya, Salted Caramel, for this nomination!

If you haven’t done so already, check out her blog here: https://saltedcaramel.blog/  It’s a real “bloggers’ blog”!

 

What is the Mystery Blogger Award?

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The “Mystery Blogger Award” is an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging, and they do it with so much love and passion.

Okoto Enigma, Award Creator.

 

The Rules

  1. Put the award logo/image on your blog.
  2. List the rules.
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well
    (note: the link is there, but doesn’t seem to be working)
  5. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.
  6. Answer the questions provided by your nominator.
  7. Nominate 10- 20 people.
  8. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.
  9. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify).
  10. Share a link to your best post(s).

 

Three things about me:

  1. I worked in risk management for more than twenty years (how exciting is that?).
  2. I’ve seen three ghosts in different houses.
  3. I collect sea shells (not many, I promise).

 

My answers to Tanya’s questions:

  1. What do you enjoy most about blogging?

The interaction and encouragement of other writers and bloggers.

  1. What is the idea behind your blog name?

There wasn’t really an idea; I just used a version of my cat’s name. When I originally set up the site I was a bit nervous of putting my writing ‘out there’. That’s also why my debut novel was published under a pen name.

  1. How do you see your blog growing in 2019?

I’m a writer and author primarily and my blog site was really intended to be an author platform. I’ve been a bit side tracked during November, with these challenges, gifts and awards, which has been really interesting and fun. However, as I’ve said elsewhere recently (and below), I need to draw back a bit and concentrate on writing and editing above all else.

  1. What proportion of your blogging time do you spend on blog promotion?

Not much. I’ve set up my posts to automatically share to my Twitter, LinkedIn and Facebook accounts; sometimes I’ll tweak the shares bit. Otherwise, I guess engagement also equals promotion and I try to keep up with all the blogs with which I connect. That’s maybe an hour a day.

  1. Relate one funny anecdote about blogging.

I’m not sure is this is funny or just weird, but I’ve been pulled up by ‘real’ people (in the sense of people I go for coffee with) for talking about the characters from my work in progress novels as if they are real people. I see worried looks in their eyes…

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My nominees (with no obligation to participate!)

Gristle Mill, Alice Gristle’s Writing Blog – https://alicegristle.wordpress.com/about/

Thea by Me – https://theabyme.com/

Hitandrun1964, Rethinkinglife – https://gigisrantsandraves.wordpress.com/

JP the Wide-eyed Wanderer – https://wideeyedwanderingspoonie.wordpress.com/

Lilly Eves World – https://whitelillyweb.wordpress.com/

Natalie Swift, The Midnight Ember – https://themidnightember.wordpress.com/

Laleh Chini – https://avoicefromiran.wordpress.com/

Sarah, The Abject Muse – https://theabjectmuse.me/

Desi Videsh, Indians Abroad – https://livinginleuvenbelgiumeurope.com/

Demi Mitchell, The Lupie Momma – https://thelupiemomma.wordpress.com/

I’ll be letting them know in the next few days…

 

My questions – should you choose to answer

  1. What song will always get you on the dance floor?
  2. What’s your signature dish?
  3. If you could meet any author throughout the whole of history, who would it be and why?
  4. If you could only read one book genre for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
  5. Which do you prefer: jelly beans or fish fingers with custard (this is the silly question!!)

 

The link to my ‘best’ posthttps://lunasonline.wordpress.com/wip-novel/

Okay, it’s a link to my work-in-progress novel  which I spent most of this year writing. I’m in edit mode now, and so this is going to have to be my last Award participation for a while.

I need to concentrate on my writing in 2019. So, if it doesn’t involve actual creative writing: something I’ve written or a response to an inspiration or writing challenge (short, very short or even medium-sized), I’m going to be a bystander. But it doesn’t mean I won’t be following and commenting on all your lovely blogs!

 

0happy hols

The well-intentioned arsonist

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pexels.com

Things might not have turned out the way they did had it not been for the arrival of the new science teacher, Mr Wilde. Keen to engage his Year 8 class at the start of the new term, he had set up a series of elaborate experiments which had resulted in some rather dramatic indoor fireworks. At least no-one had been hurt.

Jimmy was definitely engaged. He was even moved to pursue his interest outside the classroom. Guided by some useful websites he created some modest but interesting explosions in the kitchen until his mother got fed up of cleaning up the resultant debris. He even produced a miniature volcano, much to the delight of Miss Johnson, the young geography teacher; even though it did erupt all over her desk and make a disgusting smell which lingered in her classroom for days.

A few days later during morning break, Jimmy had been searching the school grounds for discarded plastic bottles for his latest experiment. As he scoured the side of lane between the school and the rugby club, he overheard two of the teachers discussing the future of the school while enjoying a surreptitious cigarette.

‘If the club sells to the local authority, we’ll be able extend the school on the site here. If not, the school will close and then who knows what will happen.’ Jimmy recognised the voice of the Deputy Head, Mr Staines.

‘But surely they’ll sell. It’s only a pitch and a tatty old pavilion. How much are they offering?’ The second voice belonged to Mr Davis, his History teacher.

‘It’s not a question of the money. Apparently the rugby captain’s great grandfather founded the club here and his ashes were scattered over the foundations of the new pavilion when it was built in 1956.’

‘So our school has to close, just because of some old rugger bugger’s ashes?’

‘I know, still, one good storm and there won’t be a pavilion for the rugby captain to be sentimental about.’ Jimmy heard Mr Staines reply. He ducked back into the hedge as the Deputy Head stalked past him back towards the school building.

Mr Davidson lit another cigarette and stared glumly at the offending pavilion. ‘Well,’ he muttered to himself, ‘climate change might solve the problem.’

Jimmy found what he’d heard very disturbing. He liked his school. He liked the kids in his class and he even liked most of the teachers. He had never been fond of rugby.

That afternoon during double Maths, Jimmy had an idea. The more he pondered on it, the better it became. It was just a matter of getting hold of the right stuff from Mr Wilde’s chemicals cupboard.

On his way to school on the morning of Tuesday’s science class, he dropped into Mr Khalid’s shop. Proffering a crisp £5 note from his savings, he grasped a large handful of his friend Mattie’s preferred chocolate bars.

Matthew Albright was the class clown. Plump and good-natured, if sometimes a little slow on the uptake, he was quite happy to rise to the challenge when Jimmy suggested he should test out his acting skills in Chemistry in return for favourite chocolates.

Mr Wilde was starting to explain the procedure for setting up an experiment to grow copper sulphate crystals when suddenly Mattie clutched his ample stomach and let out a loud groan. Pulling a series of dreadful grimaces, he slid off his chair onto the floor, where he proceeded to writhe and moan. As Mr Wilde raced to Mattie’s side, Jimmy stole across the room to the teacher’s desk and extracted the key to the chemicals cupboard. While the rest of the class gathered round to watch Mattie’s performance, Jimmy quietly slipped the key into the lock, and let himself into the cupboard. He swiftly grabbed what he needed. Within a moments Jimmy was safely back in his seat, the key was back in the drawer and Mattie had made a miraculous recovery.

Acquiring the step ladder from Stan the Caretaker had been easy. As it happened Jimmy didn’t even need to create a diversion.  He had been hanging around by his workshop when Stan had been summoned to go to the boys’ toilets on the first floor to deal with a flood. Stan stomped off muttering about paper towels and where he’d like to stick them, leaving the workshop door ajar. The step ladder crucial to Jimmy’s plan was swiftly liberated and stashed out of sight in the bushes behind the bike shed.

On a moonless November evening, Jimmy started to make his way towards the old wooden pavilion. He was carrying a torch and a small step ladder, and his duffle bag was slung over his shoulder. Propping the ladder against the side of the building, he climbed onto the flat roof of the shower block. He carefully dragged the ladder up beside him and crept across the roof. Jimmy prised open the skylight, gently manoeuvred the step ladder through the opening and lowered himself after it as it clattered to the floor. Jimmy took a deep breath. He opened the shower block door and stepped purposefully into the main part of the building.

Jimmy surveyed the interior by the light of his torch. Apart from some old plastic chairs stacked in the far corner and a few cardboard boxes piled up near the door there was nothing much inside. Jimmy dragged one of the larger boxes into the middle of the room. It had some writing on the side which looked like French; not one of his favourite subjects. He reached into his duffle bag and took out two containers. He shook out the contents of the first, making a small pile of reddish-brown powder on the top of the box. Then he carefully opened the second and gently added a white crystalline powder to the pile.

Next he took a large ball of thick twine to which he had tied a 1kg weight, taken from his mother’s kitchen. Using the step ladder, he reached up and hooked the twine over one of the beams which supported the asbestos sheet roof. Lowering the weight gently, he placed it on the floor. Returning to the shower block he positioned the step ladder under the roof light. Back in the main room he hoisted the weight up as high as he could, positioning it directly over the box. Grasping the ball of twine tightly he carefully paid out the thread as he climbed back up onto the roof. The twine was just long enough to allow him to reach the ground behind the wall of the shower block.

Jimmy paused, according to what he’d read, the two chemicals would be ignited by the percussive action of the falling weight. The resulting explosion should be sufficient to blow off part of the roof, a bit like a storm might. The sort of damage his teachers had been talking about.

He took a deep breath and released the twine. For a moment nothing happened, then there was a loud pop. Jimmy ran. Behind him there was a series of explosions. From the cover of the bushes, Jimmy saw the roof of the pavilion shatter and a succession of rockets explode into the night sky.

Had Jimmy been as keen at French as he was at Chemistry, he might have understood that the words on the box: ‘feux d’artifice’ meant fireworks.

Christmas Hamper Challenge

0Christmas Hamper

What’s not to like about another little gift challenge!

Originating here from Rory at A Guy called Bloke and K9 Doodlepip and gifted onwards to me here by Teresa, The Haunted Wordsmith.

This is the challenge:
Pick five items for five bloggers and put them in the hamper. Then explain what you put in and why.


0Bettys Tea Rooms

My first pick is Afternoon Tea at Betty’s Tea Rooms in York where I went to school. 

This is for Teresa, The Haunted Wordsmith, to thank her for her gifts to me this year as well as for all her wonderful posts which keep us busy reading, writing and admiring her work. And it will be another little learning experience for her about us weird Brits!


 

0the-gin-boxWhile I was in Betty’s, I noticed this rather splendid Gin Box for my second pick.

Now I’m rather partial to a nip of this stuff myself. However, I immediately though of Ellie Scott, a self-confessed gin drinker.

For all those awesomely witty short stories we’ve enjoyed throughout the year.

Cheers, Ellie!


0atlas

My third pick is an Illustrated World Atlas

This is for Foster and Panda at Nana’s Whimsical World, so they can choose where to go on their next adventure!

Have fun little guys! (I won’t tell Debra).

 


 

0map of worldSo while I was picking out the atlas, I came across this Outline World Map. This was perfect for my fourth pick.

It goes to Mickey & Yunni at Freja Travels  so they can colour in all the wonderful countries which we’ve enjoyed hearing about on their travel blog. Thanks for sharing with us!


0Roget
It really was an excellent book shop, because I also found this for my fifth and final pick.

The latest edition of Roget’s Thesaurus, I was tempted to keep this for myself as my copy is so old and battered.

However, it goes to J.I. Rogers, just in case she runs out of words for her Six Word Challenges, as if you would, Jenn!
Keep ’em coming!

 



I hope you enjoy your virtual pressies.

As ever, you can pick this up and roll with it or not!

0happy hols

 

 

 

2018 Christmas Charity Appeal – Help Me Raise £250 For The Dogs Trust By Leaving Me Links To Your Blogs And Books

In a good cause!

Liebster Award (take two)

Liebster award nom from Sadje

I was nominated for this award by Sadje of lifeafter50forwomen at the end of October.
Then I was busy with NaNoWriMo, but I promised I go back to it.

There has been a bit of debate about the relative merits of awards in my little corner of the blogosphere, but to me it’s a ‘take it or leave it thing’ and I’m taking this one. Thanks for the opportunity, Sadje!

So, on with the award.

What is Liebster Award?
This award was created to discover and encourage new bloggers in their creative journey. A welcome gesture for the people new to the blogging world.

As always, the award comes with rules, which I’ll be bending a little, because it’s the thought that counts.

liebster rules

The Questions

  1. What is your biggest pet peeve?
    Misplaced apostrophe’s (sic)
  2. Where did you get the name for your blog?
    Luna, my cat (named after Luna Lovegood from the Harry Potter books since you ask).
  3. If you could change your blog’s name, what would it be?
    Maybe to a title using my own name (for the search engines, yawn).
  4. What was your favourite TV show as a kid?
    The Double Deckers. I guarantee no-one reading this will have heard of it.
  5. Do you have any weird habits?
    I wouldn’t say so, but I’m sure others might. I do have a weird sense of humour.
  6. Do you like fall scents /tastes?
    Fallen leaves, both crisp and damp, the slight smell of decomposition, bonfires and damp air.
  7. What is your favourite holiday and why?
    The school holidays in our winter (Cliff’s a teacher). The weather is damp and cold (cold by South African standards, anyway). It gives us an excuse to travel somewhere warmer. We went to Botswana last year which was amazing.
  8. Do you prefer writing it down or typing it up?
    Typing. Hand written notes are fine, but typing for everything else. It’s just so much easier; I can type as quickly as I think (maybe I don’t think that quickly).
  9. Netflix or cable?
    We have satellite. I record stuff. Sometimes I get around to watching.
  10. If money didn’t matter, what would you do with your life?
    Write more, travel more and set up a publishing house which would print, market and distribute all my favourite Indie Authors’ books.
  11. What is your favourite thing about yourself?
    My imagination.

11 random thoughts about myself

  1. I studied, lived and worked in Liverpool (UK) for almost 30 years.
  2. I emigrated to South Africa with my husband (Cliff) and cat (Luna) in 2010.
  3. I once worked as a packer in a gripe water manufacturer’s.
  4. I have an A level in Latin.
  5. I knitted 30 squares (badly) for blankets for Bosnian refugees while on jury service.
  6. I keep chickens.
  7. I like eggs.
  8. Luna knows not to try to eat family (the chickens).
  9. I would never eat family (the chickens).
  10. I have a growing repertoire of egg recipes.
  11. If you come to my house, you are likely to leave with some eggs.

The Nominations

These are my nominations: a handful of new bloggers; a smattering of artists, a chef whose site I just came across (with super-tasty recipes) and a blatant plug for one of my clients.

Newer bloggers:
Amartya,The Jumbled Letters –
jumbledletters15.wordpress.com
The Patchwork Fox – thepatchworkfox.com
935SANAH – apausefornature.wordpress.com

Other goodies:
Kathy Wivell is a good friend of mine who lives just up the road from me. Kathy is an artist and a writer. We have done a few little projects together over the years, including an on-line magazine for our local art society and hosting a writing group.

Take a look at her art site – kathywivell.wordpress.com

Suzanne Starr is an artist from whom I’ve taken inspiration for a few written pieces, so you may have already seen some of her work.
There’s more on her artist’s site – suzannestarrart.com

J.I. Rogers (she of the 6 Word Story fame) is also an artist, but not so well known as such, I think. Take a look: mythspinnerstudios.com

Sebby Holmes – chef and writer – I made his easy and delicious kale recipe the other night (there’s a lot of kale in my organic veg bag): articuleat.com

Viv Garside writes motivational pieces and is just starting out in the blogosphere, to support her collection of self-help books.
Help yourself to a better life – vivgarsidebooks.wordpress.com

Further participation in any element of the award by any of the above is, of course, entirely optional.

Daily Writing Challenge, Dec 10

Written in response to the prompt by The Haunted Wordsmith:
Hotel, breakfast, caught

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Photo courtesy of The Haunted Wordsmith

Breakfast with Boris

Boris always enjoyed his hotel breakfast when he was working away, even if it was sometimes difficult to obtain proper British grub. Not for him was bacon from Denmark or sausage from Germany. But today was going to be champion; a proper start to his day.

He rubbed his hands together as the waitress laid the groaning plate before him. He turned the pages of his copy of ‘The Times’ to the political section and propped the folded newspaper against the condiment set.

Tucking his linen napkin into his collar, Boris prepared to eat. He pierced a generous forkful of Cumberland sausage, stabbed a piece of Wiltshire bacon and dipped it into the golden yolk of his free-range Gloucestershire egg, before popping it into his mouth.

Then he started to read. The opinion piece was appalling. How dare this jumped up journalist decry his efforts to restore the autonomy of his beloved country! Boris drew a sharp intake of breath. The large piece of north-country sausage caught in his throat. Boris coughed. He tried to breathe in, but the prime piece of spiced ground pork was firmly lodged in his windpipe. He tried to cry out, but only a whisper of a bark came out. He attempted to attract attention by waving his newspaper frantically in the air.

British reserve to the fore, his fellow breakfasters ignored the disturbance. The waiting staff were absent from the room. No-one was coming to his aid. Boris’s face turned a delicate shade of puce. He struggled to his feet, cartwheeling his arms in a caricature of buffoonery.

But his efforts were to no avail. His face turned grey. He slumped back into his seat and keeled forward, his nose burying itself in the runny egg in the centre of the best Worcester plate on which his breakfast had been served.

Hoist on the petard of his Great British Breakfast, Boris breathed no more.